I’m often asked how a Jewish mafia takes out or intimidates people.

Our first weapon is, of course, guilt.  Like a good Jewish mother, we can guilt someone to death.  “Why don’t you call more often? We’re your mafia.  You don’t love us very much, nu?” “What our food isn’t good enough?”  “Why are you so picky?”   “You should maybe lose a little weight. No one likes Fat Mafia people.”

The next weapon we try is throwing things.  Fish to the face, horses’ heads, hubcaps, filthy smelly hippies. Mostly because such a good way to relieve stress it is.  As well, maybe we hit someone a little bit.  It’s somewhat successful, but I can’t really talk about it.

 Sometimes we end up just threatening people with matzah balls.  For some reason they work the best to intimidate people.  Possibly because they taste like plaster and could honestly take out an elephant.

Any questions?